Hollywood has its share of gallant, square-jawed guys who have no trouble nabbing dates for those glamorous red-carpet premieres. And then there are the others – the unhuggables, the rather homely A-listers who resorted to online dating profiles – even though they’re famous, rich, and practically legends.

We managed to scrounge up seven secret online dating ads from the lonely TV and movie characters. Check them out:

Displaced Gorilla Wants Wispy Blond

“A King-Sized Heart All Wrapped Up in a Bad Boy Image”

Husky, self-educated male seeks little lady willing to put up with occasional outbursts and mood swings. But don’t let the tough veneer scare you – I’m a cuddler at heart. Dainty blonds preferred. Born and raised on a secluded island in the Sumatra; unexpectedly relocated to New York City. Hobbies include running, climbing, checking out the view from the top of tall buildings, playing with trucks and planes, chugging banana milkshakes. Did I mention I can bench over 10,000  pounds?

Hobbies: Sight-seeing at high-vantage points. Swatting at helicopters.

Superior Being Seeks Cat Lady

“The Language of Love is Malmac.”

It’s about time you dated a superior being. I’m on the short side but what I lack in height, I make-up for in fuzz, smarts, and sense-of-humor. Did I mention I’m fluent in Malmac? It’s the language of love, baby. The language of love. Cat ladies welcome. The more kitties to snack on, the better! Mmmlflflffmfmfmfmfmjnf.

That’s Malmac for “will you be my one and only?”

Hobbies: Inhaling food. Talking on the phone for hours.  Wearing Hawaiian shirts.

Three Flying Monkeys Want One Wicked Woman

“Want to come back to our castle?”

Three-pack of well-dressed monosyllabic monkeys looking for one polyamorous lady with a wicked sense of humor. We’ll worship you from day one. Likes: pilfering puppies from innocent girls, playing mind-games with unsuspecting tourists, and soaring through the moonlit sky. We’re 70% fun and 30% terrifying.

Hobbies: Dressing in costumes. Practical jokes. Harmonizing.

Occupation: Serving the Land of Oz.

Sinister Male Needs Far-Sighted Partner

“I Can Be the Man of Your Dreams“

Don’t let my debilitating acne throw you off; I can be the man of your dreams.  I dabble in nightmare travel and the art of terrorizing neighborhood kids. I enjoy the occasional midnight stroll and the occasional glass of wine.  Let’s meet for a drink at a dimly-lit restaurant. You name the place. Narcoleptics preferred.

Likes: Shaving.  Streets named after trees.  Sweater weather.

Adorable Extra Terrestrial Searching for Sweetheart

“Meet a Guy Who’s Out of This World “

Bald but cute extra-terrestrial seeks short-term companionship – preferably with a gal who owns a Speak N Spell. I’m the complete package at 4′11′ tall with a six-pack, big blue eyes, a button nose, and a nice tan.

I’m talented in telepathy, good with kids, and my friends think I’m funny — although I don’t always get what they’re laughing at.  I love chatting it up with my buddies back home.

Are you the one who will light up my heart?

Hobbies: Dressing up in costumes. Eating handful after handful of Reese’s Pieces. Riding bikes. Phoning home.

Lonely Lizard Looking for Love

“Real Men Smash Stuff”

Single, larger-than-life lizard lookin’ for love in the big city. 2,720 feet, 7 inches tall. Muscular build. Skin tone somewhere between green and gray. Scales that glimmer beautifully in the light. Arms? Pretty much-useless. But I can wrap my tail around you twice. There’s no such thing as a dull date when you’re with me. Must be willing to accept my son – Godzuki. Full disclosure: he’s a handful.

Hobbies: Smashin’ stuff. Fire Breathing. Salsa dancing. Not in that order.

Green Ghost Looking for Someone He Can Gel With

“I’m Proof that Slime is Sexy.”

Ever been slimed before? You’re in for an oozy treat. Don’t judge a green ghost by its cover – beneath the warts and wrinkles, I’m all man.  My smile is as big as my heart. 2 feet tall, translucent, and double-jointed. Loads of fun. Not a picky eater. If particular about hygiene, look elsewhere.

Let me take you to places you’ve never been before – we’ll haunt 5-star hotels and make sweet slime together.

Hobbies: Consuming heaps of food all at once. Surprise slimings.  Floating through walls.

To all the “unhuggables” out there, we wish you luck in your search for love.